The truth, the whole truth and nothin' but the truth
If I had to smack any eater disorder label accross my forehead, it would be binge eater. I went through a bulimic stage in my early teens but that didn't last long (as my good teeth and present size demonstrate). However I think it really goes hand-in-hand with binge eating because if my stomach weren't full to the point of exploding, there wouldn't be such a pressing need to rid myself of all that excess food. Thankfully, because of my generally poor gag-reflex, it was quite short lived. It didn't stop me from overeating on a daily basis though.

For the time being, my eating is disordered. I cannot remember a time where I was an intuitive, healthy eater. I spent my early teen years eating reasonably healthy food at home with my family, but I also ate 250g of chips in secret. Every single day. Without fail. This went on for 5 years and was often accompanied by large portions of fries from McDonalds or greasy chicken from KFC and sweets to 'cleanse the palate' between courses.

When I look back on it now, it's really quite scary that I was so addicted and unhealthy from such a young age and nobody - not my family or friends - had any idea how much I really ate. Sure, they knew I liked certain foods but they never saw the true quantities I consumed, or knew how often I ate to the point of physical pain. The funny thing is, it certainly wasn't to mask or manifest any emotional pain. I had a great childhood, enjoyed school, good friends and was even fairly active. I was even a very fussy eater - but by God, the things I did enjoy, I consumed in copious quantities. That is quite scary because you should control food, and food was quite clearly dominating me.

Fast forward a year and I kicked my chips addiction. How? Because I moved overseas and I was physically unable to buy them. Instead they were replaced with chocolate, pizza, cheese on toast and gelato - which never quite filled the void, so of course had to be consumed in ever larger amounts to get the desired feeling. After my year abroad I moved yet again and was quite determined never to eat chips again. I still resist them because I am shit scared that I could fall into another five year destructive addiction. However, that's not to say I didn't compensate - oh no, I just turned my attention to chocolate and fast food. Hardly healthy!

I was like that for a good two months, waking up sick each morning from the excesses from the night before. Watching the clock at work, I would watch the clock tick closer to 5pm and plan what I'd eat that night. Occasionally I would hit a day so low that I'd swear off sugar and fast food, but mid-week I'd be on a cycle of binging again. I had lost a few lbs when I'd moved back, but it quickly became clear that I'd regained and was heading upwards.
xx Lizzie 7:08 pm Post a Comment